Where I Am Right Now

Right now, I am at work: spiritually, literally, and mentally.

I'm sitting in the lounge of my office at 8:10 p.m., when I told myself I would definitely leave by 7:00. While evaluating an Intellectual Dialogue Seminar (I like the sound of that) I facilitated with my students I began to assess my teaching weakness. True to Paulo Freire, I didn't want to simply deposit information into their brains. I wanted them to participate in their own education. We definitely were conversing, though I'm not sure Freire's definition"dialogue" (action + reflection) came to fruition. I also wanted to introduce the DuBois' double consciousness  to them and I'm not sure they completely got it, but I felt myself a little stuck as to how to make sure they get it. Hence, my need to touch up my teaching skills. So I started looking up Graduate or Certificate programs that might help.

...Then I was on the phone with my ex-boyfriend, trying not to ask him if he's coming out here. When I know he probably shouldn't. I should actually go home and turn off all technology for a minute. Turn on some music (maybe not all technology), light my candle, read my Bible, talk to my Father, journal, clean my room, take a nice long shower. Then maybe before it's all said and done. Send a few emails and go to bed.

No online shopping for my apartment, looking at the same things I've looked at a million times. No talking on the phone, unless it's a brief check-in with my nephew who is in the hospital.

Just be home. The way God wanted me to be in January. Do some action and reflection of my own.

Home. Alone, but never by myself.

It's a Process

Inconsistency and contradiction has been the motif of my life story. I've done well in this, while still doing that. I'll start off strong only to weaken throughout. I'd say I'm coming and not end up going. I'd stop this only to begin it again. I'd make promises and not keep them.

I believe that God is preparing me for something. At least, I did believe it and I still do. Though now, I'm not as sure. I'm not so sure of anything. I've given up drinking, smoking, sex, broke up with my boyfriend b/c long ago God told me he wasn't the one. Although it hasn't been long I'm questioning myself already.

Perhaps it's the process of purification, but I'm wondering was I so sure in the first place. I haven't been to church, at least my church in a while. I've been to this new one, but I'm not so sure of it. I've been talking to God more often, but not like I imagined I would. I'm confused.

My work is slowly losing its fulfillment. There's so much to be done, which is a motivator to me. I'm just questioning the validity of what's being done. I guess its just a learning phase, but bureaucracy and emotion are causing some to lose sight of the focus. To the point where I'm questioning if we all even have the same focus. The organization has no established values or goals and it causing us to stay disconnected. The disservice is to the one's we serve and I'm just not sure how long I can be a part of that.

Integrity & Values : I guess I'm starting to develop some of my own.

Creativity, I need to express this energy.

I'm uneasy spiritually and it's manifesting itself in other aspects of my life.

I'm not sure of much, but what I know for sure, is that I'm tired of quitting, tired of being inconsistent.

Maybe is part for the course, joys of the journey, the process of purification.