Right now I'm at one of the most important crossroads of my life. A month ago, I had an epiphany about the bigger picture of where my life is supposed to go. I realized that God changed my circumstance to free me up for the greater things he had destined for me.
The thing about discovering God's purpose for you is that you have to fulfill it:
"That servant who knows his master's will and does not get ready or does not do what his master wants will be beaten with many blows"
Luke 12:47
Intense right!
What God has laid out for me, is a seed He's planted long ago. The soil and the sun are ripe for a blossom but the rain is falling in increments. How can a rose bloom without water?
Well according to everything I know and believe, this is where the power of FAITH plays a part. I believe in God and I know that He's Kept Me in the Midst of it All. What I've learned is that faith is not a dichotomous thing. You don't just have it or not have it. You get it, you work through it, it gets tested, it gets weak, it gets strong.
I've always been interested in the relationship between race and education. For a brief moment during college I thought that I wanted to be an Intellectual. Just stay in the University to study sociology and anthropology; that got lost in the midst of other directions my life began to take at the time, professionally and personally. Then two months ago, my co-worker presented me with an opportunity to go to Cuba and study an education-related topic of my choice. It took me a while to completely buy into it, but then I had that epiphany. This was my opportunity to begin my research on race and education. Cuba has a very interesting race relations and a different educational system than the United States.
Great opportunity, costs money. Money that I don't have (hence, the incremental rain). But God is telling me that I need to do this research. For the past 3 weeks, every Word I've received from my pastor has been either "What's your excuse for not fulfilling God's plan for you?"or "This is what happens when you don't follow God's plan for you" (see the scripture quoted above). This past Sunday, the Word was "Give what you've got and let God do the rest."
I know this, I'm trying to work through this, but its tough. The more committed I become to doing this research the shorter my funds get. The harder the test of my Faith. Of course, in addition to the limited funds negative things are coming my way. Not many but they seem to be affecting me more than they usually do. And to just to add one more layer to it all, I'm scared.
I'm scared of having to step up to the big thing God has for me because what if I can't. What if I can't live up to. I am where I am because God has always placed someone in my life who saw something in me that I didn't see in myself. Sure I knew I was smart, always thought I was pretty (give or take some insecurities with both of those) but whenever I envisioned my future I honestly didn't take it past some vision that had been placed before me. I knew I would do the basics to be comfortable in life but there are many instances where I limited myself. Each time God came in and saved me from myself.
I majored in Elementary Ed. to be a teacher although my passion was literary. I almost went through 4 yrs in a university without learning anything about literature. I changed my major to English, took a creative writing class and discovered through a 2 great men that I could and would be an educator, regardless. Thank God, because I don't want to be a traditional teacher and my poetry helped keep me sane when the world crumbled around me.
In my senior year of college, I had a degree, a job, and a great boyfriend that I thought I might marry. Everything, you want to get out of college right? Well then I learned that he was a few other people's great boyfriend, (silly me). Though it all hurt like hell: Thank God, because my mind was directed more towards building a family with him than living my dreams. For a while, I wasn't sure what that was but then a few great people saw something in me and pushed me, the latest push: Cuba and research.
So right now, I'm at one of the most important crossroads of my life. God has kept me in the midst of all these things to get me to where I am now. At the doorstep of what will probably be one of the greatest components of my life's work. I don't have the resources to do it but God has given so much for me to be able to (follow me on that?).
I'm praying, I'm fasting, I'm working to commit mental time to research each day, I'm trying to be financially smart and I'm praying.
I'm in a fight, and I'm swinging and my arms are getting tired
Lord give me strength.
