So, today I woke up with every intention of going to New York for my cousin's baby shower, but when I looked outside at 7:55 am the sight of beautiful white dust topping my neighbor's roofs and littering the streets negated that inclination.
I laid back down, notified my family of my impending absence and called my boyfriend. Long distance pillow talk under the covers, the second best thing since sliced bread. My real want to be warmed by his presence and the routine in which I was all too familiar with, moved me to ask him would he make it out to see me. True to form, he ran off his list of things he had to do for the day and followed up with a "We'll see what happens."
Well, see what happens:
It's almost 3:00 pm and for the first time in months, I woke up this morning cooked, cleaned (quite the domestic aren't I) and planned my Saturday alone in Philadelphia, without the hopes or wants of the people and things of the place called New York.
Listening to Nas, starting my day. And it's the end of the year, and God has me right where He wanted. Where he told me to stay in January.
Home. Brewing ice tea, writing to you.
Alone, but never by myself.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
December 5, 2009
Just my thought ladies and gentlemen, right or wrong. It's just what I'm feeling at the time...
And I warn before I begin, that for some of you this might be TMI, but I'm sharing nonetheless, if you choose to read on.
So for the last 11 months, I've been abstinent. Purposely. My mother always said that you should be able to count the number of men you have slept with on one hand. I took her advice, justified the fact that I was of a very different generation (Hello, I'm an 80's baby. Stratogem against the Black community aka the Crack Era) and added two hands to that. That's still pretty conservative!, right?
Anyway, months after parting ways with number 8 I stumbled across who would become number 9. A tragic 9, it was. You know how it is, when you think in order to officially close the door on one you need to partake with another? (Lesson: This is another one of the many myths men have perpetuated to fulfill their lustful wants. SMH. Just like a man Simple but Effective). Well, after a brief grace period (it should have been longer but I was then decieved by the malicious myth) there was a brief number 9.
Not that it was completely awful. It was just completely NOTHING (and that is awful). I immediately texted my girlfriend (while he was in the bathroom) exclaiming as much as I could via text:
"Number 9. A complete and utter waste of a number."
So, now I was in a dilemma. I was young, no where near marriage or the next boyfriend and I was already on number 9. One more and I'd be finished. Over! Commited to a nunnery (I know a little dramatic, but the energy is neccesary stay with me). Horriffed!
I had to come up with a plan. What would I do??? It was such a waste. Such a bad decision....
And that was it: It was a bad decision and not solely because it was a waste; although, that was obviously significant here. It was a bad decision because of the guiding factors it was based off of. It made me reflect on the driving forces behind 1-8. And I had to admit, that at 22 years old I was still determining who I shared my body with, what I risked my health, life as I knew it, and even spirituality (that came after much more reflection) for.
The first time I had sex, I just did it because everyone else had done it already and I was like hey what's the big deal. Number 2 was because I felt that I had mistakenly led the person on and I had to do it. Number 3 was my choice and a good one it was, but everyone after that was either because I figured I was supposed to or because he kept trying and I was tired of fighting him off (very different from wanting to) or because of some other outside influence. There was only one time that I honestly decided to because I wanted to (Number 3) and that was and still ranks as the best.
So what had I learned about sex in my lifetime? That 9 imperfections later, I still hadn't acquired the skill to make a conscious decision of my own about who I had sex with. And I was a "Grown A** Woman" as I often exclaimed. I talked to my girlfriends, my sisters, and most importanly my God about what I should do. I realized that my inability to choose completely for myself who I would partake with directly translated to my ability to enjoy the act itself. To be an active participant, in everyway I wanted to.
After much thought and prayer, I decided to embark upon a year of abstinence with the goal of developing the proper skills to partake, weeding out any unneccesary mistakes, and preventing the distraction of my spiritual development.
With only 6 weeks to go, I broke my abstinence and I'll have to face God because of that. But after 11 months I learned that:
1... there are way more people in the world refraining from sex than I ever thought (especially back when I first did it)
2...there is a reason why God said don't have sex until your married. It forces you to get to know the person you are dating. You guys actually talk and really learn about each other a lot quicker than you would if you were having sex. Think about it. When you first start having sex, it's all you do for at least the first two months, that's two months of no real communication. If you have sex early on, that's two months too long your with someone who you might discover is an asshole, and you've already given him the best of you.
3... he Will Wait! If a guy is really interested in you, he will wait. My boyfriend did, until I said I was ready. He never pressured me and even checked me at times. And trust me, he's not the square you would think he has to be to go for something like that.
4... finally, you weed out all the unneccesarys. A real man has self control. If someone is jumping on you within the first couple of weeks you know his intentions. If you tell him you're not ready and two dates later he's jumping on you again, you've made a discovery that two months of sex could have prolonged. He's an asshole.
Some of you may say, well you didn't do it. You couldn't go a whole year even when you were so close none of this even matters. And hey, to each it's own opinion. What I did do is, learn the value of sex, my body and most importantly myself.
And I warn before I begin, that for some of you this might be TMI, but I'm sharing nonetheless, if you choose to read on.
So for the last 11 months, I've been abstinent. Purposely. My mother always said that you should be able to count the number of men you have slept with on one hand. I took her advice, justified the fact that I was of a very different generation (Hello, I'm an 80's baby. Stratogem against the Black community aka the Crack Era) and added two hands to that. That's still pretty conservative!, right?
Anyway, months after parting ways with number 8 I stumbled across who would become number 9. A tragic 9, it was. You know how it is, when you think in order to officially close the door on one you need to partake with another? (Lesson: This is another one of the many myths men have perpetuated to fulfill their lustful wants. SMH. Just like a man Simple but Effective). Well, after a brief grace period (it should have been longer but I was then decieved by the malicious myth) there was a brief number 9.
Not that it was completely awful. It was just completely NOTHING (and that is awful). I immediately texted my girlfriend (while he was in the bathroom) exclaiming as much as I could via text:
"Number 9. A complete and utter waste of a number."
So, now I was in a dilemma. I was young, no where near marriage or the next boyfriend and I was already on number 9. One more and I'd be finished. Over! Commited to a nunnery (I know a little dramatic, but the energy is neccesary stay with me). Horriffed!
I had to come up with a plan. What would I do??? It was such a waste. Such a bad decision....
And that was it: It was a bad decision and not solely because it was a waste; although, that was obviously significant here. It was a bad decision because of the guiding factors it was based off of. It made me reflect on the driving forces behind 1-8. And I had to admit, that at 22 years old I was still determining who I shared my body with, what I risked my health, life as I knew it, and even spirituality (that came after much more reflection) for.
The first time I had sex, I just did it because everyone else had done it already and I was like hey what's the big deal. Number 2 was because I felt that I had mistakenly led the person on and I had to do it. Number 3 was my choice and a good one it was, but everyone after that was either because I figured I was supposed to or because he kept trying and I was tired of fighting him off (very different from wanting to) or because of some other outside influence. There was only one time that I honestly decided to because I wanted to (Number 3) and that was and still ranks as the best.
So what had I learned about sex in my lifetime? That 9 imperfections later, I still hadn't acquired the skill to make a conscious decision of my own about who I had sex with. And I was a "Grown A** Woman" as I often exclaimed. I talked to my girlfriends, my sisters, and most importanly my God about what I should do. I realized that my inability to choose completely for myself who I would partake with directly translated to my ability to enjoy the act itself. To be an active participant, in everyway I wanted to.
After much thought and prayer, I decided to embark upon a year of abstinence with the goal of developing the proper skills to partake, weeding out any unneccesary mistakes, and preventing the distraction of my spiritual development.
********
1... there are way more people in the world refraining from sex than I ever thought (especially back when I first did it)
2...there is a reason why God said don't have sex until your married. It forces you to get to know the person you are dating. You guys actually talk and really learn about each other a lot quicker than you would if you were having sex. Think about it. When you first start having sex, it's all you do for at least the first two months, that's two months of no real communication. If you have sex early on, that's two months too long your with someone who you might discover is an asshole, and you've already given him the best of you.
3... he Will Wait! If a guy is really interested in you, he will wait. My boyfriend did, until I said I was ready. He never pressured me and even checked me at times. And trust me, he's not the square you would think he has to be to go for something like that.
4... finally, you weed out all the unneccesarys. A real man has self control. If someone is jumping on you within the first couple of weeks you know his intentions. If you tell him you're not ready and two dates later he's jumping on you again, you've made a discovery that two months of sex could have prolonged. He's an asshole.
Some of you may say, well you didn't do it. You couldn't go a whole year even when you were so close none of this even matters. And hey, to each it's own opinion. What I did do is, learn the value of sex, my body and most importantly myself.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Creative Corner
Caveat:
I'm just getting my pen wet again. This is short, not necessarily mind blowing, just what I was thinking at the time.
the Problem with the Truth…
The problem with the truth
Is that it always sounds like bullshit
The problem with trust
Is that it must be blind
If you love you must trust
Wholeheartedly
There is no half way
The problem with love
Is that it tastes so sweet until
You learn the truth about who you trust
The problem with me
I'm not deaf, dumb or blind
I can smell shit a mile away
I feel pain deep and long
The problem with this is
It leaves my tongue bitter
I'm just getting my pen wet again. This is short, not necessarily mind blowing, just what I was thinking at the time.
the Problem with the Truth…
The problem with the truth
Is that it always sounds like bullshit
The problem with trust
Is that it must be blind
If you love you must trust
Wholeheartedly
There is no half way
The problem with love
Is that it tastes so sweet until
You learn the truth about who you trust
The problem with me
I'm not deaf, dumb or blind
I can smell shit a mile away
I feel pain deep and long
The problem with this is
It leaves my tongue bitter
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
My arms are getting tired
I'm in this fight, and I'm swinging and my arms are getting tired.
Right now I'm at one of the most important crossroads of my life. A month ago, I had an epiphany about the bigger picture of where my life is supposed to go. I realized that God changed my circumstance to free me up for the greater things he had destined for me.
The thing about discovering God's purpose for you is that you have to fulfill it:
Intense right!
What God has laid out for me, is a seed He's planted long ago. The soil and the sun are ripe for a blossom but the rain is falling in increments. How can a rose bloom without water?
Well according to everything I know and believe, this is where the power of FAITH plays a part. I believe in God and I know that He's Kept Me in the Midst of it All. What I've learned is that faith is not a dichotomous thing. You don't just have it or not have it. You get it, you work through it, it gets tested, it gets weak, it gets strong.
I've always been interested in the relationship between race and education. For a brief moment during college I thought that I wanted to be an Intellectual. Just stay in the University to study sociology and anthropology; that got lost in the midst of other directions my life began to take at the time, professionally and personally. Then two months ago, my co-worker presented me with an opportunity to go to Cuba and study an education-related topic of my choice. It took me a while to completely buy into it, but then I had that epiphany. This was my opportunity to begin my research on race and education. Cuba has a very interesting race relations and a different educational system than the United States.
Great opportunity, costs money. Money that I don't have (hence, the incremental rain). But God is telling me that I need to do this research. For the past 3 weeks, every Word I've received from my pastor has been either "What's your excuse for not fulfilling God's plan for you?"or "This is what happens when you don't follow God's plan for you" (see the scripture quoted above). This past Sunday, the Word was "Give what you've got and let God do the rest."
I know this, I'm trying to work through this, but its tough. The more committed I become to doing this research the shorter my funds get. The harder the test of my Faith. Of course, in addition to the limited funds negative things are coming my way. Not many but they seem to be affecting me more than they usually do. And to just to add one more layer to it all, I'm scared.
I'm scared of having to step up to the big thing God has for me because what if I can't. What if I can't live up to. I am where I am because God has always placed someone in my life who saw something in me that I didn't see in myself. Sure I knew I was smart, always thought I was pretty (give or take some insecurities with both of those) but whenever I envisioned my future I honestly didn't take it past some vision that had been placed before me. I knew I would do the basics to be comfortable in life but there are many instances where I limited myself. Each time God came in and saved me from myself.
I majored in Elementary Ed. to be a teacher although my passion was literary. I almost went through 4 yrs in a university without learning anything about literature. I changed my major to English, took a creative writing class and discovered through a 2 great men that I could and would be an educator, regardless. Thank God, because I don't want to be a traditional teacher and my poetry helped keep me sane when the world crumbled around me.
In my senior year of college, I had a degree, a job, and a great boyfriend that I thought I might marry. Everything, you want to get out of college right? Well then I learned that he was a few other people's great boyfriend, (silly me). Though it all hurt like hell: Thank God, because my mind was directed more towards building a family with him than living my dreams. For a while, I wasn't sure what that was but then a few great people saw something in me and pushed me, the latest push: Cuba and research.
So right now, I'm at one of the most important crossroads of my life. God has kept me in the midst of all these things to get me to where I am now. At the doorstep of what will probably be one of the greatest components of my life's work. I don't have the resources to do it but God has given so much for me to be able to (follow me on that?).
I'm praying, I'm fasting, I'm working to commit mental time to research each day, I'm trying to be financially smart and I'm praying.
I'm in a fight, and I'm swinging and my arms are getting tired
Right now I'm at one of the most important crossroads of my life. A month ago, I had an epiphany about the bigger picture of where my life is supposed to go. I realized that God changed my circumstance to free me up for the greater things he had destined for me.
The thing about discovering God's purpose for you is that you have to fulfill it:
"That servant who knows his master's will and does not get ready or does not do what his master wants will be beaten with many blows"
Luke 12:47
Intense right!
What God has laid out for me, is a seed He's planted long ago. The soil and the sun are ripe for a blossom but the rain is falling in increments. How can a rose bloom without water?
Well according to everything I know and believe, this is where the power of FAITH plays a part. I believe in God and I know that He's Kept Me in the Midst of it All. What I've learned is that faith is not a dichotomous thing. You don't just have it or not have it. You get it, you work through it, it gets tested, it gets weak, it gets strong.
I've always been interested in the relationship between race and education. For a brief moment during college I thought that I wanted to be an Intellectual. Just stay in the University to study sociology and anthropology; that got lost in the midst of other directions my life began to take at the time, professionally and personally. Then two months ago, my co-worker presented me with an opportunity to go to Cuba and study an education-related topic of my choice. It took me a while to completely buy into it, but then I had that epiphany. This was my opportunity to begin my research on race and education. Cuba has a very interesting race relations and a different educational system than the United States.
Great opportunity, costs money. Money that I don't have (hence, the incremental rain). But God is telling me that I need to do this research. For the past 3 weeks, every Word I've received from my pastor has been either "What's your excuse for not fulfilling God's plan for you?"or "This is what happens when you don't follow God's plan for you" (see the scripture quoted above). This past Sunday, the Word was "Give what you've got and let God do the rest."
I know this, I'm trying to work through this, but its tough. The more committed I become to doing this research the shorter my funds get. The harder the test of my Faith. Of course, in addition to the limited funds negative things are coming my way. Not many but they seem to be affecting me more than they usually do. And to just to add one more layer to it all, I'm scared.
I'm scared of having to step up to the big thing God has for me because what if I can't. What if I can't live up to. I am where I am because God has always placed someone in my life who saw something in me that I didn't see in myself. Sure I knew I was smart, always thought I was pretty (give or take some insecurities with both of those) but whenever I envisioned my future I honestly didn't take it past some vision that had been placed before me. I knew I would do the basics to be comfortable in life but there are many instances where I limited myself. Each time God came in and saved me from myself.
I majored in Elementary Ed. to be a teacher although my passion was literary. I almost went through 4 yrs in a university without learning anything about literature. I changed my major to English, took a creative writing class and discovered through a 2 great men that I could and would be an educator, regardless. Thank God, because I don't want to be a traditional teacher and my poetry helped keep me sane when the world crumbled around me.
In my senior year of college, I had a degree, a job, and a great boyfriend that I thought I might marry. Everything, you want to get out of college right? Well then I learned that he was a few other people's great boyfriend, (silly me). Though it all hurt like hell: Thank God, because my mind was directed more towards building a family with him than living my dreams. For a while, I wasn't sure what that was but then a few great people saw something in me and pushed me, the latest push: Cuba and research.
So right now, I'm at one of the most important crossroads of my life. God has kept me in the midst of all these things to get me to where I am now. At the doorstep of what will probably be one of the greatest components of my life's work. I don't have the resources to do it but God has given so much for me to be able to (follow me on that?).
I'm praying, I'm fasting, I'm working to commit mental time to research each day, I'm trying to be financially smart and I'm praying.
I'm in a fight, and I'm swinging and my arms are getting tired
Lord give me strength.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Welcome
So, I'm back at the blogging and this time I'll actually be sharing it. Check in to read my thoughts on race, education, growth, entertainment, the City of Philadelphia, and any other interesting topic that pops into my mind.
A little bit about me: I'm the type of person that will hear a comment so absurd I'll be lost for words. Three weeks will go by, I'll be brushing my teeth or attempting to cook and the perfect response to the absurd comment will come to me. I'll brush until I bleed or burn my food, as my mind runs off onto the "Analyze This" trail. For 15 minutes or so I visit all the nuances of the original comment and my new response. A set of sore gums and a dish of blackened chicken later, I'll have something really great to say with no one to say it to. People have either forgotten or no longer care about the orginal comment three weeks later. Go Figure!
That's where Just My Thoughts (this blog) comes in handy. You all will be my three weeks later friends. So stay tuned. I assure you I can come up with some pretty interesting stuff.
Thanks for visiting, come again soon!
Tanequa
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